Naps And Nappies: The Hilarious Confessions Of A New Mommy
Welcome to the thing they call motherhood, but which they didn’t warn you enough about.
To call motherhood a rollercoaster ride would be to call a dinosaur an insect – an understatement of mammoth proportions. No sleep, no alcohol, no energy, no make-up, no motivation, and a criminal will to bludgeon someone with an axe…or so it may seem. Welcome to the thing they call motherhood, but which they didn’t warn you enough about. They only told you all the good parts, and cleverly left out these bits for you to learn with time. You have my absolute and relentless sympathies.
- Not sure who the lullaby lulls to sleep – Anything can make you sleepy; from a lullaby you sing while putting the baby to bed, to the sound of a choked-up generator – anything. And about this rare thing called sleep – if you manage to catch it for even one day, you’ll probably end up sleeping through an earthquake, a cyclone, a terrorist attack – anything.
- Burp. We suddenly realise its importance – Up until now, you loathed anyone who thought it was okay to burp out loud in public. Gross! However, now you look forward to hearing your baby burp. In fact, even if the baby burps, you still panic if isn’t loud enough for the entire neighbourhood to have heard. Burping is essential in getting rid of the air babies tend to swallow during feeding, and these little burps are like Chopin to your ears.
- You can sleep and be awake at the same time – Oh, zombie living! With hardly any sleep or rest, you tend to this little creature that came out of you, 24*7. Yaou try and sneak in a little nap now and then, but someone walks in, wakes the little one up, and is now the recipient of your death-glare. The first few months are nothing but a big blur, and later, you just feel how you’d feel after a night of drunken shenanigans – whatwherewhowhy?! Except that drunken shenanigans feel like a thing of the long-gone past.
- You start shopping like a man – Rush in, buy what you need and nothing else, rush out. Ugh! When will the days of shopping like a woman come back? Hair wash days are sporadic, and your make-up sits in the cupboard – rotting, turning to dust, acting as termite fodder, and accumulating antique value with time. Because where is the time? When you do manage to go shopping, it is to fill up your cart with diapers, baby wipes, and baby food. You rush straight to the baby aisle without wasting any time, manage a hell of a shopping spree, and are back home – all in 20 minutes.
- You suddenly grow antennae, and develop OCD about your child's paraphernalia – Diapers? Check. Wipes? Check. Pacifier, extra bibs, blanket, diaper rash cream, breast pump, water bottles, disinfecting hand gel, baby wash, sun hat, change of clothes, and baby lotion? Check. Noah’s ark, in case the world is about to end? Check.
- Seeing pee and poop gives you peace of mind – Because it just means that your baby is healthy, and that everything is absolutely fine. When has the sight of excreta been so reassuring and rewarding?
- You start watching your words, finally! – Some effective alternatives include, ‘oh shoot’, ‘oh fudge’, ‘son of a biscuit!’, ‘juicebag’. At a Christmas carnival one day with my little nephews, a man decided to cut the queue in which we’d been waiting for over 30 minutes. Now I’m a big suc…sorry, successor for justice and all that, so I screamed, “What a dic-realisation hits-tator. Dictator”. My nephews couldn’t stop giggling, but hey, no harm done.
- You now understand why it’s okay to populate Facebook with baby pictures and milestones – You finally get it. Your baby just said ‘gagagoo’ for the first time today, and even if you don’t know what it means, it is a BIG moment nonetheless. *Click* The young one just smiled; aww! *Click* The world should know that you have the most adorable child in the universe. *Click* How is it even possible to not show off? *Click* *Click* *Click*
Even if, initially, motherhood is a time of understanding how zombies live, it is still an unbeatable feeling to see your child grow, smile, and yes, even cry, every single day. The pee and the poop everywhere won’t last long, but this feeling, and the love, will always be.